Things I learnt from Artemis Fanfics
by coco madmoiselle
Summary: Things I learnt from/notice in/ suggest for/ Artemis Fowl Fanfictions  Reviews are always welcome.
1. Chapter 1

_**Things I learnt from/notice in/ suggest for/ Artemis Fowl Fanfictions:**_

1- Holly's in love with Artemis but is always in denial until:

a)she apprehends him for something (' really matter what.)

b)He gets mind-wipe. they are both a moment away from death.

c)Or have a disturbing conversation with herself (See 2).

2-Holly's inner conflicts alwayss takes the of a conversation with herself in her head. Honestly, this is not how denial works.

3-The only thing Opale thinks about is to: take over the world or to get revenge (does seem a little stupid that she only have two thoughts).

4- You should never put Foaly in a rated M story. Its sort of odd.

5-Artemis doesn't sleep with a doll that looks like Holly! Its disturbing on so many levels !

6- Taking a deep breath...Lily Frond loves Trouble, who himself is in love with Holly, who's falling for Artemis. Artemis, is torn between Holly and Minerva, but he doesn't know that Butler's in love with him. Even if he's sleeping with Root, whose dating Vinyaya... (If you don't mind, I'm gonna stop. I starting to have a headache.) Please this is worst than fanfics written by twilight fangirls ! Stop the fucking love decagon !

7- It doesn't matter if Artemis's children are 20, 10 or 5 years/months old... they will always read understand and enjoy Marcus Aurelius/ Mozart/ Beethoven not the dog, the musician-

8-Artemis is about to die, he is dancing in the fine line between life and death, but Holly, his dear Captain Short saves him... AND THEN SHE KILLS HIM. WTF? If you are going to save someone, don't kill him afterwards !..

9- Lily Frond is only there to:

a) say something dumb.

b)trie to fuck every male/female/things on Mr Colfer minds.

c) Say something bitchy.

10-Don't say you suck at summaries, in the summary in question. It looks bad and it doesn't really encourage me to read the story.

11-Artemis and Mulch aren't gonna fall in love and have sex. Its gross.

12- Whats the big obsession with dressing Artemis casual ? He don't want to, let him. Plus every girls crazy about sharp dressed man!

13- Artemis isnt gonna wear khaki Bermudas. Are we clear ?

14- I say stop to every fanfic where Arty goes to a dance. Hes not gonna do that! If you want to do that type of writing you have option Twilight, a Cinderella story, etc.

15- Artemis would never, ever send this to a girl: rose are red sugar is sweet and so are you

Its just sad and pathetic.

16- If you want to write about Artemis and Holly having sex its great just don't set it during EC or any previous book. Lets face it a woman having sex with a 13 years old his borderline.

17- Never lock a Holly's fan with a Minerva's fan in the same room to see who'll get out alive (doesn't mean you cant watch and enjoy...)

18- Artemis lives with is parents, but the are never home except to:

a) walk on Artemis having sex with Holly/ Minerva/ Juliet/ Butler/ My grand-mother/ Sarah Palin b)get kidnap/ in I life threatening situation.

19-Whats the point of Mind-wiping Artemis for a second time ? We know he's gonna get his memories back !

20- Briar Cudgeon and Ark Sool are asses and they'll always get killed ( by Opale, Root, Holly, a troll, UFOs , a flying piano, Hannibal Lecter, Richard Nixon...)


	2. Chapter 2

21- Whether its to set a trap for Artemis, get revenge, take over the world, get money, become Artemis girlfriend or find the bathroom elfnaping (I know the real word is kidnapping!) Holly is ALWAYS the solution !

22- Every villain (or generally disliked character)will, at one point or an other, associate with Opale whether its Sool, Minerva, the communist party, George W. Bush...

23- Holly's eyes are HAZEL ! HAZEL, goddammit! Not Green!

24- Don't need to rate it M if all you do is to let people think that a character was thinking that he might have sex. Where in the Occident, 2011 (well, I am.)

25- Artemis always find a sweet touching way to show Holly that he love her. Is there a better way to say: I love you then to (re)kidnap and almost rape the girl of your dreams ?

26- I'm surprise how few people used the lollipop thing in a rated M story !

27- This one is to whoever wrote the fanfic where Myles is a...transsexual. WTF ?

28- EVERY female character will always be attracted to Artemis, even if hes crying, getting beat up, playing the ukulele, dancing macarena...

29-You know? When a man tries to convince a woman that he loves her... he doesn't steal her bra... that's not charming, that's disturbing!... and illegal...(seriously I saw this in a TxH...and I'm still in therapy for it.)

30- Even if Artemis was gay and was gonna get married, he would never, NEVER, wear a fucking weeding dress. Hes a criminal mastermind for Christ !

31- Its 2011, when two characters fall in love don't add:and they waited until marriage, because sex before marriage is bad. I mean, who are you Benoit XVI ?

32- If you're gonna write a crossover, put it in the crossover section dammit.

33-What does that even mean: rated T but only because I'm paranoid. Just rate in K !

34- Just because there's implied (okay more then just implied) AxH in the book doesn't meant you have to do the most Human/fairie couple possible(Minerva/ Trouble, Juliet/Trouble, Opale/Butler, Mulch/juliet, Holly/Obama).

35- Artemis wont recited the periodic table of elements while having sex, no ones that much of a geek! 36-The Artemis Fowls characters wont do karaoke. Cmon these a good charactershave mercy on them!

37-The Opale/Opale fanfics just gave a whole new meaning to loving yourself.

38- There's a great principle that some writer(girls mostly, i hate say it): normally you don't admit your love to someone and get married in the same week/day/hour.

39- I perfectly understand that you might change Holly height a little for writing purpose. If you do that keep the SAME height for all the story. Cuz to be frank and honest its weird if you say shes 5" 5" and then 3"2" in the same story.

40-Need a villain to try to take over the world, use Opale. Need a villain to try to destroy Heaven, use Opale, Need someone to kill one of the main, (all together) use Opale. Need someone to drink the last cup of coffee without making new one, (one more time) use Opale. Cant you create new villain ? I cant take it anymore !

N.A To all of you who thought I was rather ash with the poor writers, I'm the first to recognise there's some fucking amazing stories in that website. But there's also a lot of crap (sorry again, I call it radical honesty !).


	3. Part 3 and 4

Part 3 Crossover

1-First Artemis and Edward Cullen are NOT soul mate.

2- House is a GREAT show, but can anyone explaine to me why on Earth would you mixe something so realistic with Artemis Fowl ?

3-If you want to write a Harry Potter/Artemis Fowl crossover fin, but the whole sending the letter 5 years too late is soo overused.

4-Artemis would NEVER kidnappe Bella Swan, because , honestly, what for ?

5-Holly isn't gonna hook up with Ron.

6- I would like to tank whoever wrot the Artemis Fowl/Hannah Montana crossover for showing me new levels of stupidity and insignificance ! Thank you, Oh great teacher !

7- Just because Artemis looks like vampire, doesn't mean he's gonna become one.

8- Just besause Holly's a red head does not mean she's a Wealsey. They may not be the same species, but they do have the same hair color therefor they must be from the same family!

9- The Fowls are NOT gonna move to Forks for the simple reason than no rich Irish family would move in a smale American town.

10- Apparently mixing two books isn't enough, but there's still some fucking limits !  
>A (Deep breath) Artemis FowlHarry Potter/Lord of the Ring/Eragon/Naruto/Gossip Girl/Survivo\the Price is right crossover isn't a good idea.

Part 4

1-Holly isn't gonna sing or lisen to Tayler Swift. It would be like Ozzy Osbourne singing Celine Dion, not gonna append.

2- Holly and Artemis are not gonna meet in a club and dance on the DJ got us faling in love again.  
>The problem is not the song its just... Artemis in a club...really ?<p>

3-Artemis isn't gonna lisen to Katy Perry while thinking about Holly. It's...just...Never EVER gonna happen. Sorry, but after reading this, I'm sort of in shock.

4-If Holly isnt the type to lisen to Tayler Swift, Trouble is not the type either !

5-Is it just me, or the whole idea of Artemis Fowl going caroling at chrismis is bad...and overused.

6- Just because there's two girls interested in Arty doesn't mean he's a womanizer, so there's no need to play the song.

7-Just because there's talk of lollipops in the book, it doesn't meat that Holly will make a doet with artemis on candyman.

8- Opal is not ´too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan´

9-Artemis is not a 'smooth criminal'.

10- Foaly is not a dancing queen! Though I must admit I found that one hilarious.

11-Holly must NOT sing ´ if you wanna be my lover´ to anyone, because it´s pathetic...

12- Holly might likes/loves Arty but she really isn't a big fan of humans, so she don't want to be 'Part of that World'.

13-During the ransom give a way, Artemis would never sing "give it up to me".

14- Artemis might be going through puberty, that doesn't give him the right to sing 'Pretty woman walking down the street'.

15- And Opal is not a ´drama queen´! She is in her rights to act like a fifteen year old mestruating girl !


End file.
